I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
