bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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