We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
