I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
