now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
