Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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