Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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