i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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