it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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