Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
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