She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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