john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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