eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
