dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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