I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
