Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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