i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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