Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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