I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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