You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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