Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
that is very illegal...i love you.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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