If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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