NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
