Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize