I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
