I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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