I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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