My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We were destined to go to rehab together
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
