My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
