Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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