sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
