just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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