I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
