so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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