dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
