Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
