She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
