i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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