so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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