Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
