My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
