I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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