And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Randomize
