The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
