420 ftw
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
