Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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