I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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