Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize