No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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