I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
