Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
