I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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