i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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