i was born a porn star she said
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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