I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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