The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
