She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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