Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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