i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I stole a fireplace last night.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
